Empty Promises In The Dark

By Rob Patry

Every year I make some sort of New Year resolution. It only seems fitting. After all, the New Year represents a sort of rebirth. An opportunity for a second chance. Improvement on a grander scale, and a moment to pause and reflect on how we could all become better as human beings. After the midnight bell has tolled (well, in my case, the 9:00 p.m. bell has tolled) I lie in bed, review the past year, seek improvement where required, and promise myself enhancement in certain areas. I decided this year, since I have gained a “little” weight, to focus on a healthier diet lower in carbs (my mortal enemy) and a newly revitalized outlook on life. So far this year, it is the morning of January the second as I write, things have been going quite nicely. Tonight, however, some friends have invited us out to Caesar’s in Calais for dinner. I like Caesar’s a lot. In fact, the Calais Advertiser had their Christmas party there. I recall having the beautiful garlic scampi and pasta dish filled with slices of garlic bread. To top it all off, mini cheesecakes for dessert. To be fair, I didn’t order the mini cheesecakes. I believe that fattening choice lies with our Editor, Amy Jeanroy. I did force one or two down, but only to not appear as an unappreciative guest. 

So tonight is dinner at Caesar’s. Now I am not pandering to the restaurant, nor am I taking some sort of payola to mention them in this article. We ordered a small group of appetizers. Chicken wings, fish tacos and pork shanks in a sort of Asian fusion sauce, which is to die for. Our friends had pizza. Pizza. Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE pizza. I will even eat bad pizza. Bad pizza is better than no pizza at all. But Caesar’s pizza? They do it right. The dough, the sauce, and the toppings are perfection. While nibbling on my apps, I smell this pizza and think, “I should order a pizza”…even to go. What harm would it cause? Other than throwing the entire universe out of alignment, I suppose none. But I restrain myself. Because this is the kind of man you are dealing with. Substantial, with merit and righteousness through and through. 

Here is my challenge. I can’t focus on my food, or the conversation, or even at times how to chew and swallow my dinner. All that is on my mind is that big, glorious and beautiful pizza pie. That pie, which is completely attacking my every sense, is teasing and cajoling me to “grab” a slice. And of all things, these folks have ordered it just the way I like it. Pepperoni, mushroom, and extra cheese. They just don’t know how to play fair with me. Yet I resist temptation. I know this pizza will simply sit around my gut and fatten up my already swollen tummy. After all, today is the third of January, and I must look good in my alter boy uniform. Wait a minute…the pizza aroma was making me hallucinate. I will beat this thing. I have until the end of the year to lose a few pounds. Those are the rules. If you don’t believe me, look them up.